“Havent I seen your face before?” a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.”You have, Your Honor,” the man answered hopefully. “I gave your son violin lessons last winter.”"Ah, yes,” recalled the judge. “Twenty years!”

An eight-year-old kid says t his dad, “When I grow up, I want to be a musician.”The dad says, “I am sorry — cant have it both ways.”

“And hows yer wife, Pat?” “Sure, she do be awful sick.” “Is ut dangerous she is?” “No, shes too weak t be dangerous anymore!”

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriendhad proposed but she had turned him down because she foundout he was an atheist, and didnt believe in Heaven or Hell.”Marry him anyway, dear.” the Mother said. “Between the twoof us, well show him just how *wrong* he is.”

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didnt have to worry about a will. He said, “Will, what will? Im making a list of people Im gonna bite.”

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The ranchers prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldnt resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldnt have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the t rain went through your ranch that morning. I didnt have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!” The old rancher replied, “Well, Ill tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”