Copyright (c) 2009 Maurine Patten

For many parents, the teen years are challenging. Even though you may be doing a good job parenting your teen, there are reasons family life may become more stressful. There are also some things you can do that are helpful.

It is important to understand what is happening for teens during this unique time in their lives. The teen years are focusing on several developmental issues:

- Who am I? During this time of individuation, teens have two high level needs which are belonging and autonomy. – Do I matter? The question here is what is my purpose or what will give my life meaning.

- How will I spend my time and with whom will I spend it? This question has to do with time and relationship issues.

Recent brain research indicates that new imaging techniques reveal that the teen brain does not work like an adult brain. The frontal cortex of the brain which is responsible for controlling impulses, critical thinking, and problem solving is not fully developed until around age 25. This is because the mylinazation process (insulation around the nerves) is not complete until around 25 years old. Therefore, neurons in the brain process and interpret information differently than an adult does. This is one of the reasons why some states have recently raised the age for getting a license to drive.

Since these developmental and physiological issues are outside of a parent’s control, you may be wondering what you can do. There are two functions of effective parenting: love and guidance. You want to have a balance between them. Too much love may become overly permissive if there are not some basic family rules. Likewise, too many rules may come across as if you do not love and respect your teen.

To balance love and guidance:

On the love side -

- Pay attention to them.

- Treat them as valuable.

- Show appreciation for what they do.

- Give encouragement for the effort they put into something they are doing or for the enjoyment they will get out of doing it. Just saying “good job” conveys judgment, not love.

- Strengthen togetherness as a family by giving gratitude statements, having occasional “fun nights”, and involving them in some holiday planning.

On the guidance side -

- Create greater emotional safety by stepping in when you sense your teens are having trouble saying “No” to peers. It is sometimes easier for teens to be able to say that my parent(s) said “No”.

- Use natural and logical consequences whenever possible.

- Focus on prevention rather than punishment.

- Promote conscience development by showing your teens exactly how their actions favorably or unfavorably impact others.

Communicating with teens is important. Parents are often faced with the dilemma of nagging about or ignoring problems. Contrary to most parenting advice, you need to stop ignoring things that could potentially become serious problems. Ignoring with teens gives them license to do whatever they want. Remember two things: teens tend to be naturally power-oriented and their brains are not fully developed to have the self-management skills you would like them to have. Consider your options.

The number one error most parents make is to sound like they are nagging. Nagging can be:

- Corrective – scold, criticize, punish, time out, yell.

- Directive – boss, remind, request, order.

To know if you are doing too much nagging, ask yourself the following question: Of all the messages I have given in the last 48 hours, what percent are corrective and what percent are directive? Fifty percent or higher is too much. The ideal is about twenty-five percent done in a calm way. This percentage produces fewer confrontations and less family tension.

What can you do instead? When there is tension in your relationship with your teens, there are four things you want to do to avoid a power struggle. These need to be done in a clear, calm, and congruent way. You want to:

1. Understand how your teens feel, see things, and what their needs are.

2. Give information and feedback about how their actions impact you or others in a negative way and how they (the teens) are being hurt.

3. Help develop a win-win solution where both of your needs are met.

4. Tell what you will do to support any changes your teens agree to.

If your teens are angry, it is best to respond with empathy. You might say something like, “This is a hard time for you insn’t it.” Then you might suggest another time to talk when both of you can be calmer.

To further improve communication, Positive Psychology research indicates promising results using Appreciative Inquiry both at home and work. This is a way of talking to someone that focuses attention away from problems and toward solutions. It is not denying negatives. It is a positive approach to learning and change that reveals possibilities.

Appreciative Inquire is based on the belief that:

- What you expect to happen influences your choices and what you do.

- A positive focus supports positive outcomes and well-being.

This means that your image of the future guides your current actions and behavior. You create your future in the present, carrying your best from the past. You may be wondering how you do this. You do it by creating your future through your current choices and attention. To test this out for yourself, ask yourself:

1. What are the times when you are at your best as a parent?

2. What is a peak experience you have had as a parent?

3. Who do you admire for their skills and abilities in parenting?

4. What are one or two things you would like to do more of as an effective parent?

5. What do you need to feel good as a parent?

Write down what you have learned about yourself from answering these questions. These are also good questions to ask your teens about themselves when they are in a receptive mood.

Think of this time in your teen’s life as a time for you to be:

- Authentic which means good self-awareness so you can manage your own emotions.

- Positive and optimistic.

- Patient; be ready to take a break in communicating if there is too much tension to reach a win-win solution.

- Engaged in the process so you can convey both love and guidance.

Parenting calls you to an expanded capacity for living and loving each day. Are you ready for the adventure?